She laughs

To the times she wept over how hard it was, tormented by the mockery of her inability to conceive.

Thwarted was she for she stood a little bit taller, shone a little bit brighter, set apart a little bit further, further from the rest of mediocre.

Made a mockery of, for the possession of that inner beauty not only rare, but difficult for the indifferent mind to perceive.

It was this state of extraordinary, of extraordinary flair that brought disdain to jealous minds.

 

And to those dark nights she sobbed for the tormenting and for the mockery; the thwarting and the jealousy, she too found herself saturated by meaningful environment, purposed for her birth.

She too found that willpower to remain hidden in wisdom she discovered there, for what they thought would dull her, fortified the marrow in her bones.

 

She laughs… Not for the proving of them wrong, nor for the state of vaingloriousness,

She laughs for their hand in birthing this Isaac and this Samuel, their blessing disguised in the jeering.

She laughs amused, for never did she of that bitter barrenness, that sour shame, ever imagine that such a taste of such a pain, would thrust her forward to this joy.

She laughs!

We lost it all

Somewhere between red roses and dates beneath star lit skies,

between sweet whispers of ‘love’ and staring into dreamy eyes…

We lost it all.

 

We lost our call to the wonderment of being the helpmeet,

We took our feet to a fall…

A fall that found us trading purpose for the satisfaction of feelings and not for the betterment of our womanhood,

So muffled in the romance was our yearning for something deeper, something greater,

And even that was drowned by the thudding beat of our hearts, to what we thought was the music of love…

But that is all it was-just thudding hearts & muffled cries,

 Lost somewhere between red roses & dates beneath star lit skies,

Trading our call for that fall…

 

We lost it all

 

…To be continued

Love wins

Love wins. Always. No matter the shape, the size, the time or the place. When the time for warfare ends, you realize that it wasn’t so much you that fought for love, it was love fighting for you. And perhaps because you didn’t even know what you were fighting for, misguided by your own fears that misinterpreted what you felt you deserved, there was never a way your eyes could see the clarity of the vision of love that stood before you. Perhaps the vision was clear, but the way you saw it was muffled by your own resistance to let that fear go and embrace the freedom of desire in you. I’d forgotten that God seeks to test the heart, that He seeks to examine me before my very self… I’d forgotten that what I’d been designed for was to love and to be loved, and not to continuously fight for what rejected me and perhaps I was just so afraid of how beautiful the magnitude of my own beating desire was. Dysfunction caused me to focus so much on doing stuff right, in order to correct every symptom that indicated how sick and sore I was inside… instead of allowing love to seep to the core of the cause embedded in my heart. I forgot that I could get so much wrong, and commit so many stuff ups and He wouldn’t look to how bad I broke the law, but how deep His heart broke at the way I rejected His love. And so… having done everything right, and everything in the way I knew how, in the way I knew best and having ticked all the right and all the necessary boxes, still my heart led me to a complete fall and it was in this moment and in these moments of enjoying what had been dubbed as forbidden fruit for me I realised that I had lost this battle and lost it miserably so, of trying to live some kind of perfection that would grant me worthy of being loved. It was in these glorified moments I’d fought to deny I found myself terribly lost and having been found by love that had always been fighting for me and waging wars on my behalf. It was in these moments, it dawned on me that I had lost, and I was ALWAYS meant to lose… and more than anything, love who’d fought for me had won me over presented to me in the shape, and the size, and at a time and that place, I least expected and never ever considered. It was in those moments I knew that love always wins, always persists through the fight and always holds true to its promise to never fail.

Reflections at 30

It’s been just over 4 months since I turned 30, and to be frank with you, until now, ‘age’ has never allowed me the opportunity to experience such a shift. A shift of perspective, of emotions, of thinking and of feeling. One thing’s for sure… I have gained weight! I don’t know that I like it and each day I keep saying to myself, “Annah do not exceed this point” but I am so happy inside that I’m allowing myself the time and the space to rediscover this new me. Yes, I have changed. A lot! And sometimes I find myself walking down old roads, with such similar paths and similar circumstances to life, and instead of reeling into a panic and an emotional frenzy, for the most part I laugh. I laugh either because I cannot believe that I used to lose sleep over certain things and also because it is now so clear that life’s blows were not always the issue… the issue was me. I was the train wreck, I was the mess, I was the one in need of so much more than expecting God to fix what I was not willing to lay down for Him. Repetitive cycles had so much more to do with my addiction to them and my fear of coming out of them to face the unknown. I couldn’t experience love not because I kept walking into people who broke my heart, I couldn’t receive it because I didn’t know how. I didn’t even know how to love ME. And I was busy about trying to love everybody else, trying to tend to everybody else’s hurts and pains, their wounds and their sorrows, all the while neglecting ME.

This space has in so many ways helped me to separate my own ‘sin’ from that of others. That is to say, I always felt that need to do right by everyone and to take ownership of their lack, their mistakes, their weaknesses… I did right by everyone except by myself. I carried everybody’s load except my own. And not one day did it make them love me more, it just made me feel less and less like I was worthy of love itself and of the desire to be loved.

Being 30, has forced me to reevaluate so much of my everyday norm, the systems I’d put in place for myself and the principles I’ve lived by. So much of how I have lived as an adult, and successfully so mind you, was based on safety and security… just as long as I didn’t have to step on anyone’s toes or upset people. I didn’t want people to “talk about me”… I only wanted them to forever praise me. I wanted people to like me.

So I did what was safe, lived my life apologetically, as if I was sorry to be who I am. And though that works for the while that is necessary, as long as you have that wanting to keep on growing, it does not last forever. It cannot. It cannot sustain the growing desperation you have to be free. It cannot carry you through the disappointment of living like you’re sorry, yet nobody is accepting your apology. It becomes as if nothing that you do even for people, will ever be enough.

So I broke. I broke down. I fell apart.

My bank of emotions became bankrupt and I was in deep debt towards myself. Have you ever felt like you’ve poured yourself dry into so many people, into their lives and situations, yet you couldn’t even find a well worthy for yourself? Instead of giving them what should have been the overflow of my heart, I’d been giving them what was meant for me. I’d been giving them what sat in the innermost part of me. And that had to change.

Being 30 has thus far been such a time of triumph and of jubilation. I understand myself in ways I am willing to always keep on learning, and in ways I have no fear of continuous evolution of my soul. I believe that being broken, and being in that state of absolute corruption and bankruptcy of my heart, has been one of the greatest opportunities I’ve had to evolve. Because through that pain, I evolved way past cycles I’d accepted as the norm, I evolved past relationships and people that could only thrive as long as I was broken. Most of all, I evolved past the former state of myself. Past that deep seated fear that there are things and situations, people and feelings that have the power to break me. I evolved past the deep seated fear that even though I can warrior through certain circumstances, there are specific ones designed to make me fall and to never get back up again. Simply because then, what I now know about myself, I did not. And certain things I kept rejecting instead of embracing, I would not.

Some of the things I love the most, and many of the things I desire the most, I believed I was not worthy of. So I used to push them away driven by the fear of taking a risk that could not guarantee me happiness. Based on the fear of being disappointed YET AGAIN. I rather ran away from the possibility of the beauty that could one day bud and blossom out of me and I could not accept that even the rain that forever poured served to help my current garden grow.

And so, at 30 I’m learning yet again, the importance of being graceful with myself. And of allowing that grace to overflow into the darker spaces of my life. I’m learning that “I’m sorry” is beautiful in the spaces of remorse that is genuine and that is true… it is ugly when it’s a constant excuse and apology for who you are. I am learning that my laughter is so beautiful and that my humour is so contagious, so everyday I spread it around like the disease that it can be. I need to dis-ease the comfort that pain has developed in settling in the lives of others. Yes, I had to go through what I had to go through, but unnecessary pain that forever binds is a thing I do not like, a state of being I do not desire to see in others. I am discovering that actually, I can dance. I could not, because the bars of my cage limited me before. And I am discovering that in so many ways, this is the beginning of true life. I feel as though everything prior, was mere preparation to what exists now. I’m living in the promise of my life, in the promise of love and laughter, of joy and freedom. I am living in the promise of carefree days that care so much more about what really matters. Because even with promises, come grand responsibilities, because grand responsibilities take ownership of expected problems. And that’s what makes it all the more worthwhile… that in the face of the beauty of life and promised problems, for the first time I am not intimidated and for the first time, I’m embracing it all.

…Between the spaces

For the most part, I really like who I am becoming. There is a sense of that little girl’s carefree ambience that I always had… that got so constricted by life and life’s expectations along the dark and gloomy tunnels to freedom. I like that I am able to embrace the deeper sense of my imperfections, and have a good raucous laugh about it, and that in spite of how people view it, or rather view me, I have become so oblivious to it all. There was a time I was so afraid of hushed whispers speculating livid assumptions in the dark, and now I dance to the drum beat of voices that cannot stop talking about me. It’s so good that they are loud. And it’s so good that they are clear. Because from here on, I can dance to that tune.

For me, the worst of my fears and the thing I feared most for myself, HAS HAPPENED. And now that it has, now that it’s over, I look back and think, “that wasn’t a big deal at all!” In fact, facing the mountainous regions of my life going forward, my deepest fears merely existed to intimidate me and to stop me dead in my track, before hiking up these mountains. What Fear knew, and what my Courage did not know, was that I was designed to climb mountains, designed to embark upon the journey of steady climbs, of upward motion, despite every force that would resist me. My Courage didn’t know that naturally, I am a climber, and that obviously, I get to the mountaintop, always. And not that he deserves any credit, but fear worked so hard on me, for so long, getting me to push away what I most wanted and what was most mine, so much that I always travelled along the right route, and yet I was on the wrong path. Ain’t that funny? Here I was, moving along swiftly, moving along with surety, but going nowhere FAST. Fear had taught me to settle within the confines of what was easier to handle, and what would not require my pain to be unraveled before those hushed whispers. I mean, who wants to be totally stripped bare and naked before man, not knowing whether shame would grip me, or the abandon of self would set me free? And it was what fear taught me I could never do… I could never be able to deal with, to embrace and most of all to get through the manifestation of MY DEEPEST FEAR. And no matter how deeply one delves into it, neither prayer nor travail will halt the impending manifestation of that fear you feel encroaching into reality. It happens. And it happens full force. And once it does, instead of the catastrophic landing I thought it would have, it instead sent me reeling on to the dance floor of life. And all my life I’d thought I couldn’t dance, but here now exists a dance filled with rich ululation of a time I couldn’t ask more of.
And here’s the thing, between these spaces, hidden between this beginning and this end, I find myself resting between faith and love. There’s just something between these spaces that stretches me far beyond the view that fear had laid out for me. And perhaps not just the warm embrace of something new, but of something different. Something kind and true to rhythmic pulse of my heart. In between these spaces…

May 16

So much to be said of the expanding width of my heart, filled with a love that deepens each day. So much to be said of the freedom I feel as I suck in the sweetness of each day. I AM FREE. Finally free from trying to fit into confines I don’t belong. Finally free from having to express a language I live to ears that don’t hear. Truth is, I needn’t say anything. Needn’t speak much at all. The existence of this new manifestation of me speaks volumes for herself. That I am who I am, and I belong where I belong. That I remain just and true forevermore to the complexities of this being, remaining just and true to the struggles of this soul. And that it is OK. My fighting struggles are OK… allowed the permission to exist among the growing fruit tree of my growing fruitful heart. Somewhere in between and somewhere in the midst of coming out of this deep cacophonous pain that used to be, I just find myself being OK. Being at peace with so much more than I could ask for. Being in love so many more I never expected. New faces, put to new life. Old hearts joined to the resurrection of old dreams. I find myself creeping out like that butterfly, having been so used to that dark cocoon… only to find bright light… beautiful wings… New life and a heart that sings.

Slowly, Surely

Slowly, surely, you’ll begin to ebb away with the flowing thoughts of my mind,
Of the memories we once shared marred by the black dark in you,
The hopes I’d had will drip steadily from the tap of love I had for you now tightened by peace,
The peace I now have in laying these memories to rest.

The thought of you gave me comfort in moments I had no wisdom to pray for better,
In moments I’d let the dust settle for you,
Settle… yet I should have been moving on, moving further away from the loneliness you fed my soul.

The absence of you gives me more than peaceful rest,
It gives me calm in the chipping away of the pillar that became you,
Idolized in my mind that sought an unending end,
Even to the bitter taste of its own pain.

But slowly, surely I forget about you,
And slowly, surely, the stains of you fade,
I thought about you I’d never forget,
But slowly… surely, slowly… surely,
You were slow to love, and I am sure to forget.

In the Letting Go

In the autumn of my life I am learning once again to let go. So seems the story of my life, I am forever letting go. And it has become that necessary skill I’m often forced to push into action before the sun shines bright again.

Sounds like such a drag right? We hear this time and time again, ‘let go and let God’… ‘if people want to walk away from you, let them’… and so the story goes, on and on and on. But I have learnt, no matter how many times I’ve done this, to let go is to allow so much freedom to flow through veins that have become constricted by the pressure of blessing you can no longer contain. That blessing needs a renewed vessel, that flow and that outpouring needs fortified channels, those twigs on the tree need to grow new shoots to birth the fresh fruit. Dead things have died. They have surpassed their purpose in life. Every nutrient they had has been utilized. Every lesson we needed to learn has been experienced. And so that which no longer serves its purpose must go. Whoever has served their purpose in your life, needs the let go. Whoever’s purpose you have served needs the let go. Whichever baby you have nursed at your breast needs the weaning. The power in the let go can never be outweighed by that pain and that state of uncomfortability one might feel in the initial tearing away, the ripping apart and the walking away. It is natural, but it is necessary. Yet sometimes we are so focused, our minds so centred on the sudden changes and the forceful and unexpected shifting to the norms we have become so accustomed to. Yet the flesh around us is DEAD! Dead, decaying and on the gradual rot to what will become disease causing dis-ease in the everyday walk to our lives.

Letting go is GOOD. And letting people go, even more so. Allowing God to rebuild and restructure, allowing Him to remap the dysfunctional relationship route of relationships that no longer serve the purpose to edify is GOOD. Because sometimes, even along the way of having tried all we can and all we could, of having poured ourselves out to the point of dry, of having faithfully sowed the best of the seed we had, we are met by other people’s pain that has nothing to do with hating or rejecting you, but that has everything to do with the blood and infection that drips from their own wound. It’s true, hurt people, hurt people. And that can never be the excuse that stops us from the continuation of forward motion in truth and in love. That can never be the reason we’d need to compromise our truth just for the sake of mere acceptance that is based on the condition of you appeasing their inner wounds. Your truth must remain your truth and even having been met with knives that stab in the back, your hope to allow love to sneak up on you again, giving you the opportunity to love AGAIN, must remain an open door that no hurt can ever shut.

The power of letting go will always drown the sorrow of having been let down. It will always bring light to the bitterness of disappointment we can never control. It will always meet the faith of the expectation we had, having been crushed by what the faithless call ‘reality.’ At every life point, I hear that gentle whisper that says, “let it go”, I’ve come to know the beauty of trusting in the beauty of what thrusts through the pain. And it has developed a sober compassion in my heart, to never wish evil and condemnation against those who cunningly seed out my private battles to spread them on a stage that forces me to perform them publicly, but to pray from the sincerest depths of my heart, sending them away bathed and clothed in the miracle inside of me that has become LOVE. Not because I am any better, or because I am certain of the challenges still to come their way, but because I know “everybody’s got problems” and they need not change that it suit ME. My desire for their change need not be for the sake of the approval that I long from them. Their disapproval of me might reach out to me with an outstretched arm for a much longer time, and the soberness of my prayer be that they come to a place of change for themselves. And for their own story in eternity. The point at which my heart reaches to be able to laugh and let go, gives way to the proof that it is ME who has changed… all the more to embrace the reality of how great a purpose being hurt and being scorned can mould out of me the beautiful woman I continue to become.

And isn’t God good? That while we fret and fuss in all the change and transformation that is facilitated by the allowing us to be butchered and hurt by the people we least expect because these are the people HE places in our lives, that He allows us to become exactly what He has envisioned of us? And there is nothing wrong with the fact that we set high expectations… but everything lays in what we will allow our hearts to do in the process of trust that obeys how the story goes even if it hurts like the flames of hell have been loosed. And the beauty of a heart that remains in sober surrender, even in the letting go.

 

Seasons

Seasons are so good. Sometimes you like the things you really shouldn’t, and other times you don’t. The sin is not in the carnal nature of our souls, the sin is in the vain-glorious pursuit of what we know we shouldn’t, hampered by our pride to either esteem ourselves far greater than the reality of our struggles, or that pride that doesn’t want watchful eyes to see ‘how weak and pathetic I really am… Sometimes.’ Yup, sometimes I’m surrounded by the reality of my weakness, and my inability to control most things except my responses to life. Sometimes I don’t even have control over what my heart wants. It wants what it wants and so in the heat of mastery and discipline I’m often on the journey to channel my self on the more meaningful life path. Yet there are times I’m filled, and smothered by the glory of my grandiosity… though I wish those days were more. And in it all, I just learn that seasons are seasons. And I’m constantly growing and evolving, discovering new and interesting ‘stuff’ about myself that either blows me away or leaves me shocked by the depth of darkness that still needs to be expelled out of me. I learn that every season has a beauty, even if I don’t feel it right then. Sometimes the beauty is something I see and feel long after the seed has died to grow again. I’m just constantly learning. And I’m learning not to back away into flight mode concerning the gossip and the rejection… Concerning the dire consequences that will oftentimes comes with my public image being at stake. I’m learning to simply embrace it. For the most part. And I’m learning to allow everybody to have their big and little say concerning my life. I’m learning to allow everybody to play their big and little parts in my life. Because I’m learning that all the negativity has this uncanny way of building me in the positive motion that is forward. IF I choose to allow it, which is something I’ve already decided. I’m learning that not everybody actually really likes me, and that’s OK. And not everybody sees the glory in all my gifts as they have been designed. It becomes a ‘situation’ of sorts, because in as much as I’d like to listen to ALL the ‘big and smalls’ of what really has to be said about me, I’d be faceless, and perhaps popular because I’d be living to conform.

So here I am, in my own little season. And it’s BEST. Not because I have the best of everything in my outward possession. But because I have the best of me inwardly. I am seeing the best of myself come to life in ways I always imagined as my 8 year old self. Things are not quite how I’d planned them, and neither are they how I’d hoped, but in this culmination of seasons that have kept my back against the wall, my heart and soul writhing in the pain of so much mess and torment, and still so much more need of man’s approval… finally for the first time, I’m alright with who I am in the now. My now has no strings attached to the tugging past and neither does it drown in the anxieties of what might come tomorrow. My now is just the way it is, in this present season, where there is light and life to whom I am TODAY.